Not enough
by esama
Summary: Yugi ponders the normalcy of his life.
1. Yugi's not enough

**Not enough**

The rain is falling outside, making everything seem darker and duller, as if everything was just shades between light and dark grey. No white and no black, just grey in different variations and forms. Gust of wind pushes the rain at the window, the drops rattling heavily against the thin but durable glass. I can see too far. The rain is thick.

I sigh and lower my eyes at that thought. I can't see too far. How true that is. All I see is the second before me, the moment I'm living _now_. That's all that there is for me and in a way it's all I ever want. If I can just have _now_ I am content - just like most people, as much as they whine about the future or the past they still live in the _now_. We humans don't really have a choice. If we don't accept the _now_ and live through it, we'll never see the future - and no matter how we think about the past, the past is still just the past. We can't reach for it any better than we can live in the future. All that there is… is _now_.

Now. The present. Everyday. How normal. We wake up, we live through the day, and we go to sleep - all the while doing menial tasks which eventually fill our days. Eating, walking, studying, working… until we go to sleep. Some may plan for the future and even work for it, but even that is so ordinary because no matter how we work for the future, we work for it day by day in same average pace. We may try to paint pretty pictures into the future, some even make those pictures true and physical, but in the end… even when you reach those pictures, they too will become nothing out of the commonplace things we have been surrounded by all our lives.

Ordinary, commonplace, regular… that's what we are. Some may be more exciting than others, others may be more brilliant than the rest, but in the end… it's all the same. We all are awake until we go to sleep; we sleep until we wake up… we all live until we die.

But it's enough for us. We don't have a choice so we have gotten adjusted to it, and in the end we have to submit to it. To this unending circle of routine and normalcy, regular flow of life.

_I_ am content with my life - perhaps a little more content than those around me are. I've witnessed the bitter and cold variety of regularity, so I know to be happy for what I have now that I'm surrounded by loyal friends and joy. I know better than to be unsatisfied. I don't dream for better, I don't fear for worse, I merely live this life and how it has turned out to be, and I am gratified with it. It's enough for me. I don't need anything else…

But it's not enough for him, is it? I sigh a little and watch how the window's glass fog with my breath. With a smile I draw an eye into the fog before the warmth of the room can smooth the fog away. Slowly the eye fades, giving me a cold feeling which has nothing to do with the rain.

My other self isn't like me. He smiles, he sounds pleased, he acts that way too… but when he speaks I know that my life doesn't satisfy him. My ordinary present doesn't satisfy him. He is either looking into the past he cannot remember or into the future he can sense coming. Fate and destiny and all things beyond my understanding occupy his mind and when he speaks his words are ominous. His words are warning as he in his corner of my soul prepares for the future he is expecting, and I am not.

I wish… I wish he wasn't looking for more. I wish he could see my life the way I see it, I wish he could be content like I am… but I know that he can't be. He isn't like me, he exist for greater things than the present and the ordinary, for larger schemes than the ones I am in contact with.

Sometimes I wonder why _I_ of all people managed to solve the puzzle. His expectations and hopes require a bigger person than I am. Mine are so small when compared to his thoughts, so simple. I worry about tests and school works, while he ponders about future and the battles to come. As I concentrate onto getting to school in time, he is thinking about the ancient past in the land of scorching sun and endless dunes. I'm so small, so insignificant when compared to him.

And he calls me partner. As good as it makes me feel, I cannot understand it. Partner? Am I really? Why? Because I completed the Puzzle, because I share my body with him? I can't see how it could be anything else. It is he who duels in those arenas and bets big, it's he who comes out a winner - I just offer him a ride there. He calls me partner and I think he means partner in cards rather than anything else, but I can't feel it. I don't feel like I am his partner. I never really have.

I don't blame him, I never could. He's just so vastly different from me. There is simply no helping to this. My nature and his nature, they differ so much. I wonder if he feels it too. He probably does… but has he _accepted_ it, or is he _ignoring_ it? Or… does he feel what I feel; can he sense that this cannot go on forever? Does he feel it too, that this… is just a temporary arrangement?

I wish it wasn't, I truly do. No matter how long Anzu has been there for me, and no matter how much of a best friend Jonouchi is, my other self is my _closest_ friend. We have a bond I can never have with anyone else, and I don't want that ever to fade… even if his thoughts are too big for me to understand, even if his mind is too large for my measly physique to contain.

I hug myself in faint attempt to shield myself from the creeping cold which has nothing to do with the rain. I smile sadly at the shades of grey and wonder how many people are affected by it like I am, how many people start thinking heavy thoughts like I do?

"Aibou?" I hear a soft inquiry from behind me as I feel my other self appear there in his incorporeal form. I glance at him over my shoulder and smile sadly at the sight of his worried crimson eyes. He frowns slightly at the sight of my smile and steps forward. "Aibou, is something wrong?"

I shake my head and turn back to the window to hide the tears which are turning my sight dim. "My other self…" I pause slightly, not really knowing what I want to say. It would be no use in revealing my heavy thoughts to him; it would just worry him and spread my temporary depression. He would just try to deny the fact that my world is too small to contain him, try to deny my fear of him leaving me - try, because he wouldn't be able to convince me. "Do you think everything is predetermined by fate?" I ask softly as the first tear falls and trails down my cheek.

"In some cases, yes," his tone is confused. "I believe that your grandfather found the Puzzle because it was fated, I believe that you solved it because it was destined. I believe that our duel against Pegasus was also, in some way, fated… But I also believe in coincidence, that not everything has a script, and that some things simply happen by stroke of luck - or lack of it… Why do you ask?"

"No reason really," I smile sadly as another tear falls. Fate brought my other self to me and fate will again take him away - fate… if I was person likely to feel that sort of emotions, I would hate fate, I would hate it fiercely. Yet hate has always been emotion I haven't been able to feel - that, I guess, was left to my other self though I'm not sure if he uses that particular emotion either.

"Yugi, what's wrong?" he asks softly coming closer. "Is there something troubling you?"

"Nothing I can't handle," I promise as I try to as discreetly as possible to wipe my tears away. I know that once the rain has passed and I have gotten a good breath of that beautifully fresh air which follows rain… I'll be able to handle and accept, I'll be able to look at these thoughts and adjust to them. Right now they feel heavy, but now… now is a fleeting moment. Just like everything in my dully ordinary life.

"You're crying," he sounds astonished as he realises this. Stepping even closer, he gently places his hand over my shoulder, tugging me to turn around. It's strange how even though he is just a spirit, he can physically affect me. "Yugi, please… why are you crying?"

"It's nothing, really," I mutter and hastily wipe away the rest of my tears. "I'm just thinking about something which makes me feel sad… it's nothing, trust me."

"It's not nothing if it makes you feel bad," he searches my eyes with his, as if trying to see into them and into my mind, but I know he cannot, I've been with him too long to not learn how to get the privacy I need. "Tell me. I can't help you if you don't tell me."

I smile despite the sadness, and look up to him. "There is some things you can't help me to handle," I say gently and shake my head.

"I could if you'd let me," he mutters, still trying to search my eyes.

"Not with this," I whisper with a smile and try to turn away. He cannot fight against this enemy, because it's the fate he believes in so sternly. He may or may not know it, but it's the fate he has chosen for the two of us. "It's just something I have to accept, that's all," I murmur… but he doesn't let me turn away.

"Yugi…" his tone is warning now and his eyes are a bit darker.

"Please, it's nothing. No need to work yourself up over nothing," I mutter and try again to turn away, but again he doesn't let me.

"Whatever this is, let me make it right," he says.

I look down to his hands, now holding onto my shoulders. "Why is it that you can touch me?" I ask, not really to distract him from the subject but because I'm honestly curious. "You're a spirit, right? Aren't spirit incorporeal?" I wiggle my shoulders, causing him to tighten his hold in return. "Aren't your fingers supposed to go through me?"

"Though anyone else, maybe, but not you - and don't think your diversion technique worked, I still want to know what's bothering you," he now nearly glares at me.

"I'm not crying anymore," I offer, because truly I am not. Glancing over my shoulder I can see that the rain isn't as heavy as it had been - I can now see the green of the trees and grass instead of the dull grey they seemed before.

"But you were," he states.

"All things pass," I shrug, or try to anyway.

He sighs, let's go of me and bows his head for a moment, as if with defeat. Then he is gathering himself again and looking at me. "There was once a time you trusted me with everything, why can't you trust me with this? Talking help's, you know."

"Not always. Sometimes talking just spreads the depression," I chuckle and smile. "Thanks for worrying, though. It made me feel better." With another smile, I leave him to the window and head out of the room to wash my face.

If he is still able to worry about me and my measly problems, maybe he isn't that far gone into his dream of destiny and fate as I thought. Maybe I still have time, maybe we still have time… maybe he isn't leaving me as soon as I thought. As I wash my face I determinately ignore the feeling choking my throat - ignore the fear of future.

---

This came into my mind when I was watching the first episodes of the second season. Not much else to say about this. Sorry for the possible grammar errors and reviews are much appreciated


	2. Yami's not enough

**Not enough**

The room is dark. Why does it seem these days that everything is so dark and colourless around me? I know that during the day this place is mostly white, but now, in this night, this moment when I'm here… it's just dark and darker, different shades of the shadows and nothing more. One corner shadier than the one next to it. So colourless.

Or not so colourless. There is a spectre of palest white in this room, and it is right before me, lying on that bed, silent, sleeping and apparently peaceful. Yugi's restful, expressionless face as he sleeps. He is resting on his left side, facing towards the window. Even though this way what little light comes into the room from the window can land to his face, I hate it. He usually sleeps on his right side, accustomed to sleep facing towards the wall in his own room, to shield his eyes from the light of the evening.

I sit to the edge of the bed - which is not his bed, it's a hospital bed. My hands are shaking. I try to stop it by holding them down, holding them tightly in fists, holding them against my sides… and they are still shaking. I'm trembling. I can feel it and no matter how I stop it, I can't. I bite my lip to distract myself from it, but it doesn't help. I feel so… helpless.

I just keep failing him, huh…? I let my eyes wander over his pale, restful face. The reason as to why he is sleeping on his left side is on his right cheek. Wound underneath a bandage, burn mark. Underneath the pyjamas he's wearing there is more of them hidden under bandages, mostly in his left side. Painful blisters which will leave lifelong scars.

I can remember when Yugi first completed the puzzle in that night which, so long ago… my light was wounded back then too. Beaten by a bigger kid because Yugi had stood up to the bully, trying to prevent Jonouchi and Honda from getting beaten further. I dealt with the bully quickly and ruthlessly, but nonetheless, Yugi was in pain back then. It took a while for the bruises to heal…

But before they did, he got another beating. Frowning at the memory, I think back to the director of some television program who wanted to use Yugi's pain as a boost for his show. Beaten for sake of ratings… and I didn't step in until the director hurt Jonouchi, though now I can't really remember why I took my time.

Third time there was another bigger kid from Yugi's school, another bully, this one with a horrible music taste. He tried to use Yugi to sell tickets to his so-called-concert and when Yugi didn't sell the tickets he tortured my light through sound - Yugi couldn't hear properly in days afterwards… and again I didn't stop it until that bully revealed that he had hurt Yugi's other friend.

Why? Why did I wait? I did it so many times back then… I usually stepped in only if Yugi's friends or acquaintances were in danger, when did I actually stick up for _Yugi_ back then? Why? Part of me tries to offer an explanation; maybe because Yugi never had that high self-esteem back then, maybe because Yugi didn't care for his own well being as much as he cared for the well being of others… Yugi was and still is like that, he rather takes the pain himself than lets others take it. But I cannot accept that explanation - it's inexcusable, what I did.

It happened time and time again. So often that it seems like nothing out of the ordinary - but if this really is normal, then this normalcy is horrifying. It's bitter and cold and Yugi was always the one to pay. Countless school bullies and random enemies in forms of teachers, celebrities, criminals… endless flow of opponents. Some wanted to use Yugi, others wanted to hurt him, and same wanted to get him out of the way. Most of the time he gets hurt, my light. Few times I did manage to save him from it, but… too many times I came out too late, too many times I took control of bruised, pained body instead of perfectly healthy one.

I hadn't even realised it before this. Before I had felt proud of what I had done for him, how I had stopped those said bullies, made them stop from hurting others. And maybe that is cause for some pride - but now it seems like it always happened at Yugi's expense.

And it isn't right. Gods, it wasn't right. I thought I tried so hard to make it stop, I thought I do try so hard to save my light from pain… and I keep failing. Jonouchi has gotten hurt too, Honda, Anzu, even Yugi's grandpa… they all have caught in some crossfire because of me. How can they, how can Yugi still trust me when I keep failing them and him? How can Yugi still… how can he when I am so…?

My eyes jump to the Puzzle resting in the crook of Yugi's elbow. I have shadowy replica of it on me, thanks for the fact that Yugi refused to take it off after getting to the hospital, even the doctors hadn't been able to pry it off. How can Yugi still want to wear that thing, when it got him nearly killed - why does he still want to keep _me_ around when _I_ nearly got him killed?

_Why, Yugi_? I reach my hand to touch him, but it shakes too much and I hesitate. _Why didn't you leave? Why did you stay in that burning warehouse, why did you…?_ It's ludicrous, I'm a bodiless spirit after all, but my throat is aching and my heart is hammering. _Why?_

I look at his hands. They are both bandaged and resting against his chest in position he never holds them. I swallow and lower my eyes. I know that his fingertips have been burned to blisters. Even though the pieces had been turned burning hot by the fire, he still had held them in his fingers, he still had worked to complete the puzzle. And after he managed the incredible feat of completing the puzzle within ten minutes, he refused to let go of it… it nearly got him killed, but he still refused to let go, even after losing consciousness.

_You should've let go… you should've let go._ I don't understand. Bowing my head I run my trembling fingers over my face. Why? I'm supposed to be the protector; I'm supposed to be the one to save Yugi from harm. Yet it's always Yugi who is in pain, Yugi who always suffers, Yugi who always has to pay the price. So many times before it has happened because I haven't taken over in time, but this time... Yugi did it _for_ me.

Does he really believe that I'm worth it after all of this? I sigh and look at him again as he continues to slumber. How could he? _I don't understand… I thought I did, I though I understood everything, but I don't… I don't understand you anymore…! Yugi, why did you do it?_

He sighs in his sleep, attempting to roll over to his preferred side. But, as he does so, he lands his weight on his wounded side and wakes up with pained gasp. I jump back from the bed and stare helplessly as Yugi quickly rolls to his back, resting his bandaged hand over his wounded side. He's struggling for breath painfully, trying to calm down. When he finally manages to sooth his erratic breathing, he notices me.

"My other self?" he asks quietly, his voice still wheezy and rough. It's because he breathed so much smoke in that warehouse, the doctors were a little worried that it might've damaged his lungs… and the mere thought of that makes me freeze inside. Especially when he coughs weakly, and I can't even help him take a glass of water to sooth his throat.

After he has managed to reach for the water glass and has taken sip of it, he looks at me again. "My other self?" he repeats, how voice now closer to what I know it to sound like, but not close enough. "Why are you --?"

"I wanted to think, and sometimes it's easier to do it outside the Puzzle," I answer before he can complete the question. Thankfully my voice sounds normal. Hopefully he can't see the painful expression on my face in this dark room. "You should go back to sleep, partner. You need to save your strength for healing."

"What are you thinking about?" he asks while yawning sleepily.

"Many things," I mutter, hoping that he could fall asleep quickly. He needs his rest. "Future and past mostly." Like how many times he has and how many times he will get hurt right under my nose… and how many times I will be too late to save him from the pain.

"You always do," my light closes his eyes and frowns a little. "Always thinking about big, important things…"

"Because it is important," I whisper, but he's sleeping again. Closing my eyes I release a pained hiss. He is important, so much more important than I can say… and I'm not enough to protect him. I can punish those who wound him, but when have I actually succeeded in completely preventing an incident where he has gotten hurt in one way or another? I might have, once or twice, but… gods, what is that in comparison to the countless of times I have failed.

I try _so_ hard to guard him, to protect him… but I can't. This proves it, I'm helpless and no matter how I try. They fear me, challenge me, think I'm a strong and worthy opponent… and in reality I'm this weak. I'm pitiful.

I press my eyes more tightly shut… but that doesn't prevent helpless tears from escaping. As I fade back to the puzzle, I curse myself for not being enough. _Heal quickly Yugi. Seeing you like this is tearing me apart._

_---_

Written to episode 51. I was actually first writing another one-shot which had meant to have nothing to do with anything else I wrote before, but then I realised that this seemed rather similar to Not enough, so I guess this a continuing or something, don't really know. Came out a bit depressing. Oh well. Reviews are appreciated and apologies for possible grammar errors.


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